Parent's Handbook To Stop Home Visit AWOLs: Part I

by Generic Writer

Many parents ask what they can do to stop their child from AWOL'ing while on a home visit from a residential treatment center (RTC).  It's a great question, considering it's the biggest fear and reality facing every parent in that situation.

Here’s the answer:  Nothing.  That's it.  Nothing.

Short of literally locking your child in his or her room, or placing a guard at the windows, there is NOTHING a parent can do.

More importantly, though, there is nothing that a parent should do.

My son was at an RTC for almost two years.  His first home visit (during Thanksgiving) was after one year.  That's not a typo.  One year.  And he AWOL'd the minute he came home (more about that later).

With that said, I don't need to qualify my son's level of resistance (and resentment) about following a program or abiding by rules.  The only reason he didn't AWOL from the RTC itself was because it was located in the middle of a faraway state and he had no money or friends willing to drive there to get him.

By the time of my son's visit, I was already working a solid Al-Anon program.  I attended meetings weekly, I had a sponsor, and I became familiar with the foundation of the program.  One of the many Al-Anon tenets are the 3 Cs:  "I didn't cause it.  I can't cure.  I can't control it."  It was a hard concept to grasp, but it seeped in slowly over time.

Up to the point of my son’s visit, I had heard all sorts of suggestions from parents such as hide his shoes, bolt the windows, lock the cell phone.  But, as I learned over time, that, in essence, is trying to control my son's disease--like hiding bottles from an alcoholic or candy from an overeater.  They are diseased, liars, resourceful, and adept at getting their end result, and what took me a long time to learn (the hard way), is that the ONLY person who can actually control my son and his disease is my son.

The watershed moment and greatest breakthrough for me came during a parent conference at my son’s RTC.  I spoke with my son's addiction counselor (who was/is an addict himself).

"What can I do to stop my son from taking drugs?" I asked him.

He simply said, "Tell your son that you can't protect him from the consequences of his actions."

Then I asked him, "What can I do to stop my him from AWOL'ing?"

He responded: "Tell him that you can't protect him from the consequences of his actions."

His answers were short and to the point, and the message shook me to the core...affecting my life until this day.

That was it.  Nothing else need to be said.  This guy was telling me what I had been hearing in Al-Anon for years, but I failed to connect the dots.  Lift the monkey off my back and place it onto my son's back.  How simple.

When my son came home for his first visit (after more than one year), we put forth all the rules set by his RTC therapist... No cell phone.  No Internet.  No leaving the house.  Just spending time with family, etc.

The second day, my son came into the living room where I was watching a football game.  He said, "Dad, I can't do this.  I'm leaving."

I looked at him and said, "I can't protect you from the consequences of your actions."

And I didn't get off the couch as I watched my son go AWOL from my home into the dark streets of gangs and drugs.

In the past, years before he was sent to the RTC, years before my Al-Anon program, I would have leaped from the couch and my son would have been shoved through a wall.  Police may have been called.  This time, I continued watching my football game.

For years, as parents often do, I tried to control the situation and my son, using any means possible.  I also excepted the “lie” that often begins with any addiction.  My son did this, so I can do that.  My son used profanity, so I can slap him.  (My wife didn’t understand me, so I can cheat on her... the list is endless.)  I basically subscribed to the lie that any of my actions were justifiable because my "intentions" (to stop my son from his destructive path) were pure.

And my best actions, my best intentions, my best motives, my best thinking, got me no where.  It obviously never helped my son...because if it had, he wouldn't be where he was.  

It is with this background, that in after hearing or reading two sentences (usually less), I can tell if a parent belongs to Al-Anon (and follows the program) and those who don't.  It's not a slam, just an observation.  It's generally of little concern if it's a parent who has a child at an RTC for a short or long period of time.  Those who don't follow Al-Anon (or a very specific program), their child usually runs the show.  Those following Al-Anon, the parents run it.

As we say, "before Al-Anon, our lives were unmanageable."

Are our lives perfect?  Obviously not.  But we learn to manage and gain support through others that have treaded the deep dark waters before us.